I had an abortion. Part 1.

After years of infertility, two pregnancies conceived through infertility treatments, Justin and I conceived unexpectedly on our own. Unlike my other pregnancies, the news filled me with so much fear. My first two pregnancies were incredibly challenging. Both filled with hospital visits, bleeding, growth issues, placenta issues, bed rest, and so much uncertainty. The shame I felt, not feeling pure excitement, suffocated me. All I have ever wanted is to be a mom and my babies are my world.

But then came reality and the reality was the pregnancy was not strong. The tests, ultrasounds and early bleeds all pointed to issues with the fetus. I prayed my body would make the decision for me. My heart was broken in a way I cannot describe. The kind of grief that puts you in bed, just wanting to sit in a dark room. It was a grief I had never felt.

April 13th, one of my hardest days. The day we said goodbye. I leaned into my faith. I sat alone outside the clinic, cried and prayed. I prayed that this little being knew how much it was loved. I prayed for a transition filled with love and light. I prayed that we would be reunited one day. I prayed for strength. I prayed for grace. I prayed for peace.

As the weeks have gone on, my prayers have shifted to the women who have, are, and will go through this in some way. The collective trauma is heavy and I feel it. I know how lucky I have been to have been physically and emotionally held through this. The system, especially in Texas, is cruel. I pray that one day we can create a system that is kind, that offers grace and dignity and is more supportive. My hope is that as I grow stronger, my prayers can shift to action that helps create this change. A change that sees the woman as a whole being. I hope to help create a system that isn’t about pro-choice vs pro-life, but instead about pro-woman. Because at the end of the day, for many of us, this isn’t a choice. For many, it’s a necessity. It’s a matter of our health, our emotional well-being, our financial security, our future. I share my story in hopes to honor the real struggles of motherhood and to remind women that they are never alone.